Jesus May Love the Little Children, But I Don't

Yesterday I taught my first children's class and it was more than slightly terrifying. I have zero experience with children and have only spoken to one or two since reaching adulthood. When we applied for the job, the interviewer asked Andrew and I if we wanted to teach children and we both said we preferred not to. I don't know why they bothered asking because when we got here we quickly realized that teaching children's classes is mandatory.


I was jittery on the way to work yesterday, and became even more nervous when I saw that I would be dealing with eight five year olds. Not only that, but it was the first day of new classes, so eight mothers were hovering around the observation windows eager to see how their little darlings would perform. I'm sure the moms were there for moral support, but I felt as if they were judging my performance, which was terrible.

From the beginning, the going was rough. One child shrieked like a banshee and refused to release his death grip from his mother's leg when she tried to nudge him in the classroom. His wailing caused another child to scream, and soon all of the kids in the room were bouncing around like a group of nervous monkeys. At this point I whipped out the vocabulary flashcards and begin chanting words like a maniac. "Rice!" "Rice!" "Chicken!" "Chicken!" "Soup!" Some of the kids were interested, others rolled around on the floor.

The entire class went on in this way. I chanted and sang the vocabulary words, over and over and over again, having no idea what I was doing, while all of the mothers looked on. The boy in the hall shrieked from time to time, but he never came in. I'm sure some of the mothers saw my ass crack when I was sitting on the floor.

The best part came when I tried to end the class five minutes early. At the beginning and end of each class, children line up at the door for one last drill before they leave for the day. The lesson plan I read before class said this part takes three minutes, so I decided I'd give myself five as I was unfamiliar with the drill. When I attempted this, one of the mothers came to the door and tapped her watch, basically forbidding me from ending the class early. So, feeling terribly foolish, I herded the children back into the room and chanted more words at them. Eeek!!

Wish me luck.