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Monday, January 1, 2007

Humping Tourette's Syndrome

I have a rather ridiculous problem that I like to refer to as the Humping Tourette's Syndrome. I don't mean humping as in the literal act of sex, but rather the act of furiously pumping my crotch back and forth in order to represent the act of sex. If I have a few beers in me I never know when an attack might occur, but when one does it is always at a highly inappropriate time, although I'm uncertain if there is ever an appropriate time for feigned humping.

Last night my husband's friend joined a group of us at a local bar for New Year's Eve. He is the same friend who had sexual relations with my married friend at our wedding after party, and a few girls in the group knew of his philandering. In fact, we had discussed it earlier in the evening. When he arrived at the bar, my husband brought him over to our table to make introductions, but before he could begin I shrieked, "HEY! HEY! This is the guy!" and followed with frenzied humping motions. The five or so girls at the table exploded with laughter and/or looked at me as if I were insane, my hubby's poor friend turned around and walked away and I felt like the biggest dumb ass alive. I seriously had no idea I was going to do that. I just turned around, saw him and immediately began making humping motions like some sort of crazed banshee. The attacks always come without warning.

At my wedding reception two weeks ago, I made humping motions in front of my mother when talking about consummating our marriage. Fortunately she's used to my odd behavior and didn't appear too shocked, although my friends found it awkward. I've humped the air while singing Hangin' Tough at a karaoke bar (on stage of course) and while recounting the karaoke incident to others. I just have no control over the motions of my crotch sometimes. It's a dilemma indeed. Anyone else share this problem?

8 comments:

S* said...

Hi!
I got the link to your blog on 43 things, and ill definatley keep up!Ive never been to japan but always wanted go, so ill be reading if you keep it up there.
Ive only just started my blog, have a look if you fancy!
http://jewy11.blogspot.com
hehe i like you sens of humor too
happy new year
Stephanie

Anonymous said...

Maybe you could try spraying yourself with water. We had a sheltie with this problem when I was a child, and we kept squirt bottles around the house to cool him off.

Geeoffh said...

As I remember you had this problem in college as well and as for the squart bottles suggestion haven't you had enough trouble keeping your t-shirts dry in the past?

Librarian Girl said...

Better uncontrollable virtual humping than uncontrollable ACTUAL humping. See how I like to look on the bright side?

Virginia Belle said...

i thought i was the only one.

i have a reputation among my friends as somewhat of a pervert. and yes, sometimes i hump the air, too. the other day at work, i said, "i tell you what, the guy who can go into Home Depot and get everything on my list will get a free blow job from me!"

i have to watch what i say around people. i have a potty mouth to boot. i'm sure some people think i'm a freak. i would never give out blow jobs like candy. ever.

librarian girl brings up a good point.

Anonymous said...

Thats funny. I have Tourettes syndrome and I hope that I never have that tick.

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